Becoming Now-centric
welcoming transmutation
Is there anything more miraculous than the malleability of the female body? Its capacity to grow and stretch and open beyond what anyone would think possible? Awe-insipring, divine power. Like most women, I’ve had a bit of a tumultuous relationship with my body in the past. My mid twenties were riddled with unfettered, militant control over what I ate and how I moved, constantly chasing an unreachable destination of self-optimization. Never good enough, always striving. I believe this was the lesson of my Saturn return and through deep and challenging inner work, I was able to loosen my grip and let it all go right around the time I hit 30.
I got pregnant a couple of months after turning 31 and though I was in utter euphoria, there was a small part of me that was fearful about my ability to mentally cope with the impending physical changes I’d experience over the coming months. I’m proud to report that I only loved my body more and more as it grew. I know this isn’t every woman’s experience, but my pregnancy was pure bliss. I was overcome with admiration for the vessel that was carrying and nurturing the life within. Labor and birth were beautiful and perfect and everything I could’ve hoped for (home birth story coming at a later date…) and I’ve never felt more empowered in my physical form.
But at the same time, the sticky feelings about my body that I was able to overcome during pregnancy weren’t as easy to avoid postpartum. Being almost entirely sedentary for 6 weeks inevitably comes with some physical changes.
I was oscillating between feelings of reverence and resistance…
Grateful, proud, awe-stricken by what my body is capable of: growing, nurturing, birthing, and continuing to sustain life with nothing but my own physical form. But at the same time, I’d catch glimpses of myself in the mirror or in candid photos that ushered in hyper-critical thoughts about my appearance.
It’s quite the juxtaposition to know that you hold the imprint of God’s greatest miracle in your bones and also feel disdain for the loose skin on your belly or the new cellulite on your thighs.
I eventually came to terms with the fact that I am no longer who I once was, nor will I ever be again. It’s a daily reminder of, “and now it’s like this.”
Lately, I am endeavoring to be now-centric. What else is there? I am meant for greater things than concerning myself with the macros I consume or the size of my clothes or what I was or what I will be someday in the future. I am here, right now, for the sole purpose of nourishing my baby and being a mother.
The female body literally stores fat in the thighs and hips in order to supply the essential fatty acids to fuel your baby’s growth. What a blessing! What a gift!
Last night as I held my sleeping baby on my chest, almost 13 weeks postpartum, I looked back at photos from the earliest days of motherhood and it’s like I’m seeing them with new eyes. The things that I once shuddered upon seeing are the same things I now gaze upon longingly and lovingly…
May we all continue to live a now-centric life. Alive and awake to the beauty of what and who we are this very moment.
xo,
Jordan
absolutely stunning, jordan! you are such a gift and constantly teach me so much 🤍